Kick Ass And The Wank Bank

I watched it last night and was amused. Highly amused. I still closed my eyes for the absurd violence, just like I did for The Watchmen which I also loved, but that’s just the way it works with me. When you think visually like I do, you don’t need added gratuitous violence swimming around inside your skull.

Anyway! I do recommend the movie. And if you go here there is an interesting break down of the movie, including major spoilers, but a good read/review. I am being lazy and linking to that because she basically covers loads of my thoughts on the movie. She had a different take on certain aspects of the movie, the biggest of which is this:

Hit girl is an 11 year old hit girl trained by her father. She is absurdly talented and violent. Kick ass, on the other hand, is a dorky teen who wears a green wet suit and regularly gets his ass kicked trying to do good and save people. Admirable but ultimately useless. They eventually meet and are thrown into situations together, like hit girl saving his useless ass several times. At the end of the movie though, things take an odd turn. Even though she is superbly trained and far superior to kick ass on ever level… he ends up saving her ass not once, but twice. I found the fact that the female character, even though more competent than the male character, needs rescuing to be… well… dumb. Man saves woman? Bleh. But this is where the above review is interesting. Ms. Kate Harding, feminist extraordinaire has a different take that made me go “Huh. Maybe.” So, enjoy.

And that little aside brings me to something I noticed at the beginning of the movie which I found to be interesting. When the main character, Kick Ass, is explaining how lame and boring his life was before he became a super hero, he includes in the explanation that he wanks. A lot. Many, many deposits in the wank bank.

I have an issue with negative connotations to wanking and that doing so says something negative about your life. Later on in the movie he is managing to get laid spectacularly by a stunning girlfriend and there is no mention of wanking. Apparently the two are mutually exclusive.

My issue with the negative connotations of masturbation probably have a lot to do with the inherent shame that is instilled in a good majority of people raised in Christian homes. Hell I think most major religions have a dim view of masturbation. This angers/baffles/frustrates me. It your own body and there is shame associated with pleasuring it? Exploration of it is a negative? A no no? How? It’s the one object in life that is truly yours. There are no consent issues (unless there is some seriously fucked up mental issue that I am unaware of), no STI issues, no risk of unwanted pregnancy, no risk of emotional damage (unless you’re taught it’s negative and that you should be ashamed). It’s just you enjoying your body. Granted there are exploitation issues to be considered surrounding pornography and what actually gets a person off, but for simplicity sake we’ll stick to plain old private masturbation.

I have several girlfriends who are open and honest about masturbation, exploring their own sexuality by themselves and it’s discussed between us regularly. The glaring difference between these women and others that I know? They waited longer to have sex, were WAY more confident and knew what they wanted and didn’t compromise. I fail to see the negative side of that.

I could go on and on about the ridiculousness of shame being associated to masturbation. I could also go on and on about what a load of bullshit it is that Kick Ass used the fact that he wanked regularly to define how lame his life was before he turned into Kick Ass, the super hero who got his ass kicked.We’ll all get bored with my ramblings. Here’s a summation. Masturbation = YAY. Masturbation =/= lame. Sex with a partner and personal masturbation are not mutually exclusive.

Now. One last point. When explaining how lame his life was in terms of wanking profusely, he explained what sets him off. Like his hot teachers lovely big boobs. They were lovely and they were big. All well and good – normal hormonal teen right there. Then he explains just how sad he is and how just about anything will turn him on and it cuts to a shot of his computer with tribal African women whose breasts are exposed, as they often are.”Though, to be honest, it doesn’t take much to set me off.”

I am sorry, back the fuck up. Are we seeing a worrying social commentary here? His teachers cleavage is a valid turn on, which he admits turns into a teacher fuck student fantasy, but fully bare African womens breasts turning him on is indicative of just how little it takes to get him going?

I am quite sure that this little aside went largely unnoticed by most but it says a LOT. About how sexualized western women are, how desexualized African women are, how white women seem to hold more sexual worth in our western society, etc. I was actually offended that a shot of bare breasted African women were used to demonstrate how little it takes to turn on the main character when just a hint of tit from a white woman was a valid and understood turn on.

This social commentary makes me go WTF.

Also… oh to have a less sexualized society. Wouldn’t that be a trip?

Yes I realize this is barely a review of Kick Ass… it’s more of an aside. But still… I found it fascinating what it says about our society.

As for Kick Ass? Grossly violent, cute, funny, entertaining, vaguely disturbing, not for everyone, thoroughly enjoyed it.

Quick parenting rant if you please…

I was at a neighbors recently and their son has taken a keen interest in growing vegetables and flowers. Being a permaculture /self sustained/grow your own fanatic I am thrilled to see a 12 year old so enthusiastic about gardening.

He has a mini poly tunnel and pots and is growing chillis, peppers, tomatoes, peas and carrots as well as some flowers. I commented to his mum with a big grin on my face that it was fantastic to see him so excited. Every time I am over he shows me his progress. Her response? “Yeah, til he gets bored of it.” along with a dismissive eye roll. I looked at her, nodded and kept my mouth shut.

Because adults are any better? Our whole society is built on the next neat gadget, new holidays, new car, bigger house, better job, etc. Everything about the way the western world lives their lives is about bigger, better, disposable and whatever keeps our addled brains occupied for the moment until the next shiney thing catches our eye.

It makes me angry to see someone so dismissive of a kids interest, especially when it’s such a HEALTHY interest. He has saved and worked for weeks and months to have these things grow and is obviously excited about it and THAT’S the attitude taken? I mean, she isn’t the only one – I hear it all the time when parents dismiss their kids… and I always dislike it. It’s such a shame that instead of getting involved with a childs healthy and productive fascination the modern attitude is to dismiss it, tut over it and expect it to pass like any fad instead of get involved, use it as a bonding experience and understand that interests come and go with kids, exactly as they do with adults.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some seedlings to pass along ~_^

The Danger of the Single Story

Thanks “About an African’s Queen” for the link – fantastic talk.

One of the things that this reminded me of was how in Permaculture circles often people are going to various African countries to learn sustainable building methods that Africans have been using for centuries. We first world Permies are apparently all forward thinking about the future of our planet and her resources, but the Africans have been using our modern sustainable techniques forever. Insert eye roll here.

Ah, PETA… I see what you did there…

Objectifying women to promote animal rights.

I love how you are the saviors of poor innocent animals and yet you have no problem objectifying women, thereby instilling this notion that while animals deserve rights and respect, women, in your opinion, still do not. How stopping elephant abuse in the circus or animal abuse full stop requires nude women posed just-so to somehow push across the idea of “as nature intended” is problematic on several levels.

The first of which comes to mind is if concerned with ethics, is pushing your message with female nudity ethical?

How about furthering the objectification of women full stop?

Is it ethical to continue to push the media ideal of the female figure?

If it was really about how nature intended, how about you cease with the air brushing and stop promoting unhealthy bodily ideals and expectations for women worldwide?

Or HEY! I know! Lets discuss the ethics of sexualizing an abused woman, shall we?

Originally the PETA nudity ads were about boycotting fur.

I get that. I think it’s bullshit, but I get it. Explain to me how Olivia Munn wanting to speak out against Elephants being abused in the circus requires her to be naked in her PETA promo ad? What’s that you say? There is no good and valid reason? I didn’t THINK so… and yet?

How about this little doozey?

This one crosses the line. Jenna Jamieson is a porn star. Too much sex can be a bad thing as a tag line with a porn star? Hmmmm…. so the suggestion is sterilization? Do they not see the disturbing message this brings with it? Fucking is fine, just don’t let her breed. Wouldn’t want to spoil her fuckability now would we? Having a sex industry worker saying lots of sex is only bad because of the chance of conceiving is a really twisted message to be promoting and dehumanizes Ms. Jamieson by equating her to nothing more than a fuck kitty who you don’t want dropping litters and spoiling the fun.

Classy PETA. No really.

What does vegetarianism have to do with media ideals of air brushed naked women? And don’t even get me started on the whole chillis covering her vag. Why don’t they go for a scope shot of a happy clean colon? What? Not so appetizing? Good thing there is a gorgeous naked woman to appease the appetite then, hey?

Neat! If I go vegetarian, I get to…. look like her? Fuck her? Meet her? Just what exactly are we going for here?

I hope PETA takes an unequivocal stance against abortion… oh and ovulation. The stupidest thing about this ad is how grossly misleading it is. Hens lay eggs regardless if there is a Rooster around to fertilize it. They do not have an emotional attachment to a single egg they drop until they go broody on a clutch of eggs and attempt to hatch them. Maybe PETA should brush up on their chicken husbandry knowledge before using guilt tactics like this.

Oh hai, I see what you did there. You carved up a womans body for consumption to demonstrate how an animals body is carved up for consumption. The worrying thing is, womens bodies are carved up for consumption every fucking day across the world in tidy little packages (flat tummy, tits, ass, thighs, etc) to sell products and you not only do not have a problem with it, you use the same tactic. Fabulous.

Before I go ahead and say that this ad is a little more RELEVANT and to the fucking POINT when it comes to animal fur,

I’d like to point out the startling fact that of all the women who are featured in these ads, the only ones naked are white women. Apparently consumers don’t have quite the same hunger for dark meat as they do light meat, hey?

In summation I’d like to say Fuck You PETA. For objectifying women, putting animal rights above respecting women, for pushing unhealthy body ideals onto consumers and basically being a bullshit animal rights entity that claims the righteous high ground when it comes to rescuing animals but still manages to euthanize hundreds ever year. You’re hypocrites, liars and have no right to claim the ethical high ground in any way, shape or form. In fact you should be ashamed of yourselves.

PS. That fox would bring that wittle baby chick chick to a quick and violent end to make it his midnight snack. It’s called life.

Awww poor Pope got his feewings hurt

While browsing a blog that kindly linked to a recent book review I did, I came across his latest blog entry which comments on one of my FAVORITE subjects. The Pope!

The poor bastard has done gone and got his knickers in a twist because of a leaked memo. Apparently the Foreign Office had a little brain storming session about the Popes up coming visit and it leaked. Whoooops.

Check it out here.

The Telegraph covered the leak and subsequent response by the Vatican. One source in child abuse cover up central the Vatican is quoted as saying “This could have very severe repercussions and is embarrassing for the British government – one has to question whether the action taken is enough.” and “It’s even possible the trip could be cancelled as this matter is hugely offensive.”

ACTUALLY, twatwaffle, you know what is offensive? And no, no I won’t go for the easy “what is offensive is how wide spread the catholic churches involvement in child rape and abuse is” but I WILL go for the following: What is offensive is your repulsed reaction to the suggestions within the memo!

  • Launch pf “Benedict” condoms
  • Review of Vatican attitude on condom use
  • Bless a civil partnership
  • Reverse of policy on women bishops/ordain women
  • Open an abortion ward
  • Speech on equality
  • Statement on views over adoption (change of stance)
  • Training course for all bishops on child abuse allegations
  • Harder line on child abuse – sacking of dodgy bishops
  • Vatican sponsorship of network of AIDS clinics
  • Meet young unemployed people
  • Apologise for ………………………………
  • Canonise/psuedo canonise a group
  • Announce whistle blowing system for child abuse cases
  • Go to job centre
  • Debate on abortion
  • All catholic schools should be free entry to all
  • Speech on democracy
  • Vatican and C of E funded committee on dialogue
  • Launch helpline for abused children

Granted some are facetious and satirical like Pope condoms. Er… wait. That’s the only one. The rest? VALID FUCKING SUGGESTIONS YOU BARBARIC ASSBACKWARDS INSTITUTE OF ABUSE SHELTERERS.

*Deep breath* Sorry, got a lil frustrated there. Lets look at these for a moment please.

  • Review of Vatican attitude on condom use


  • Bless a civil partnership

What is offensive about blessing the love between two people? The potential that they might be homosexuals in civil partnership? Well we all know how repression of sexuality works don’t we, oh holy institute swarming with child rapists.

  • Reverse of policy on women bishops/ordain women

Well, yes, yes I can see why you’d find this offensive. The idea that women are equal and just as capable of men to lead the spiritual lives of the masses is so fucking offensive I just threw up a little in my mouth.

  • Open an abortion ward

This one – I can see the offense. But seriously, reproductive rights is a serious issue and you can’t make a blank condemnation of abortion when there are cases happening on a daily basis of rape and incest. Like the 10 year old in Mexico who is pregnant right now by her stepfather. See how abortion might have been an option there? No? Fuck you then ^_^

  • Speech on equality

Good god if the Pope gave a speech on equality all those uppity black people, gheys and immigrants might get IDEAS!

  • Statement on views over adoption (change of stance)

I… I don’t know what their stance is and I don’t think my little activist brain can handle finding out today. I’ll get back to you on this one.

  • Training course for all bishops on child abuse allegations

Well if it’s on how to dodge allegations you fuckers could lead a world wide educational seminar. However, I think the suggestion implies you learn how to deal with them legally and properly while supporting the victim instead of forcing silence and covering up the allegations.

  • Harder line on child abuse – sacking of dodgy bishops

BUT THEN THE POPE WOULD HAVE TO LEAVE! Damn straight you sick fucking child abuse enabler. TA TA! Surely it would behoove the whole institute to have a leader who wasn’t involved in covering up child rape and enabling more, but maybe I am just being idealistic again.

  • Vatican sponsorship of network of AIDS clinics

AIDs is a reality you bastards and you’re supposed to bring healing and peace to people so HOW IS THIS OFFENSIVE?!

  • Meet young unemployed people

God damn dirty hippies. Ignore this one Pope, no one expects you to meet the disenfranchised.

  • Apologise for ………………………………

THE CRUSADES? THE CHILD ABUSE COVER UPS? THE RACISM? Oh I’ll stop there cause I could go on forEVER.

  • Canonise/psuedo canonise a group

I don’t even get this so I’ll leave it be.

  • Announce whistle blowing system for child abuse cases

Oh god, oh god, oh god, you’d lose too many priests and bishops wouldn’t you?! Can’t have that now! Again HOW THE FUCK IS THIS OFFENSIVE?!

  • Go to job centre

Those damn disenfranchised again!

  • Debate on abortion

You’d think you’d like this one because if abortion was allowed there’s the potential to cover up more rape…..

  • All catholic schools should be free entry to all

Well. All I’m gonna say is you have enough money to do this as an institute but I am glad you won’t because you sexually repressed assbackwards medieval fucks do not need to be indoctrinating more children, or indeed have access to them.

  • Speech on democracy

Hahahaha zomg the OFFENSE OF DEMOCRACY!

  • Vatican and C of E funded committee on dialogue

Over my head, sorry folks.

  • Launch helpline for abused children

God no, don’t help the children. It would fly in the face of everything you’ve been striving for all these years!!!!

Yanno why I hope this gets sorted and De Fadder comes to the UK? So Dawkins can go ahead with his plan to have the Pope arrested for crimes against humanity.

But seriously. This is absurd. Most of the stuff on that list is basic human rights stuff. Are they offended because of what it suggests about them? They are GUILTY of what it suggests. They have been for years. What is even more sickening than the fact that they are guilty of so many human rights violations is that they continue to play victim and are avoiding being brought to justice for their wrong doings. That the victims of the various crimes this institute covers up have seen no justice as of yet and that when it is suggested that the catholic church puts child protection measures in place they get so deeply offended they threaten that there could be long term repercussions for Britain.

In sort, stfu “highly placed source in the Vatican” and quit defending the indefensible.

Initial Source

My Sisters Farmhouse & Nate Phelps

One of my favorite blogs, My Sisters Farmhouse has a blog about seeing & meeting Nate Phelps (yanno, estranged son of the insane Fred Phelps who leads the twisted Westboro Baptist Church?) when he recently went back to Topeka, Kansas. She even got to meet him *^_^* I got a lovely encouraging email from him awhile back and I thought I would link to the story because of general interest. It takes balls to come out of such a cultish, abusive family and not only did Nate manage it, he is speaking out. The man has my respect. Anyway enjoy Rechelles article on the experience.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

You want to talk about a book that should have a big fucking “TRIGGER WARNING” label across the front of it so rape victims are aware of what they are about to read? This book right here.

While reading it I asked my partner point-blank, she’s going to get raped, isn’t she?? He declined to answer. He was afraid I wouldn’t read the book anymore and see what happens after. Wasn’t overly impressed with his oversight that warnings are appreciated, but I’ll let it go due to the over-riding mind blown reaction I had to the book as a whole.

So I’ve already dropped the spoiler that rape is a part of this story. If you haven’t read it and don’t want spoilers, do cease reading right about now.

I feel like I should explain that I have been reading insatiably since I was a wee kid. The earliest I can remember inhaling books is grade two. I have, therefore, read a LOT of books. I have not, however, read a book where the author tackles rape with all it’s intricacies the way Stieg Larsson tackles it in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

The secondary main character (lets call her) is Lisbeth Salander. She’s a ward of the state and what you would call… non conformist. I actually really like her character. She is outside the mainstream, comfortable with her own sexuality on her own terms and easily moves between male and female sexual partners without feeling the need to label herself in any way. She’s also a huge geek and a hacker. I like.

I am too lazy to write out the details of the whole story so I’ll skip to the punch line. She is raped. Violently. Sodomized too. Held against her will for hours and raped continuously. That is the second time. The first time she is raped by being forced to give the sick twist a blow job. The second time she comes prepared, you see she can’t avoid this cockstain, and has a secret camera with her.

Reading those two accounts was enough to make me want to stop reading the book. I do not like being drawn into stuff that forces flashbacks to my own rape at ALL. If you’ve ever been triggered for previous trauma you know why.

However, immediately after both rapes the author does something I have never ever seen before. He sees things through her perspective. The reader reads it as her going through the list of possibilities of what she does next. Does she report it? How will it look? Will they believe her? Maybe the first time but not the second because she didn’t report it right away. Why doesn’t she report it? Will there be any justice? Will they believe her against such an upstanding citizen when she is just a troubled kid in the system? What other options does she have?

He literally addresses a huge chunk of angles that run through a rape victims mind after her attack. At least a huge chunk of what ran through mine. He address the physicality of it, the emotional side of it, the powerlessness of it, the re-victimization of it. He, in his own way, validates the huge variety of responses rape victims have after their attack and their various ways of coping. And Lisbeth acknowledges something I wish all rape victims acknowledged. It isn’t the victims FAULT, no matter WHAT.

The next part intrigued me. I do not know if he did this to give women power back through story telling or because he realizes how powerless victims feel after or because there is so little justice but her character takes matters into her own hands, takes control and deals with the situation in a way that lets her feel back in control and is able to not only stop him raping her again, but branding the fucker for what he is. She tattooed a huge message across his chest down to his cock about the fact that he is a rapist. Even if her method isn’t what I would choose, you cannot help but love watch her handle it her own way.

The rest of the book also deals directly and repeatedly with sexual abuse, assault, rape and molestation. Throughout the rest of the book not only does Larsson never even touch victim blaming, except when addressing that it happens and it’s bullshit, he seems bent on using his novel to educate the masses on the effects of rape on the victim. At the beginning of different sections there are stats about how many women are sexually abused, the frequency and the lack of justice. As a rape victim, it’s a trip to read. There is the understanding of your situation and decisions in that book. Least there was for me.

Another thing I found was that he didn’t a-sexualize her after her rape. She is still sexually active, with women as well as men. The false dichotomy of whore = rapist fodder is done away with. She still liked sex when it was on her terms with people she wanted to engage with sexually. Fantastic.

Anyone who enabled rapists or sexual abusers, whether men or women were addressed from two perspectives, the gentler and more understanding perspective of Blomkvist the main character (upbringing, traumas, abuse, etc leads to enablers and abusers) and the hard-line perspective of no tolerance for enablers by Salander.

Another aspect that caught my attention in the book was the sex life of the main character Blomkvist. He was in an open relationship with his best friend Erika who is married (and her husband knows of this and is ok with it) and regularly sleeps with other women whenever he likes. He does so with honesty and integrity and everyone is aware of the story before jumping into bed. It was an interesting take on informed adult consent and showing a man who has many sexual partners without being sexual predator in any sense of the word. Some women are comfortable with his open relationships and some cannot hack it. Either way he is upfront about his situation and how things work in his life and all adults get to weigh this to their own standards & values and decide for themselves.

A different subject that was touched on was teens and religion and how vulnerable they are to falling prey to fanatical religions and indoctrination. It was only briefly addressed but I appreciated this subtle exchange.

I’ve totally digressed at this stage because I am in awe of the fact that a crime thriller uses it platform to make poignant social commentary and validates victims of abuse and gives them a voice they rarely have.

There was just so many intriguing elements to this book which is essentially a crime thriller. At the end there is a glaring lack of mainstream justice. When the main case is solved the characters decide between themselves what avenue justice will take. When it comes to Salanders rapes, she dealt with it and attained her own type of justice as the victim. This both grates and satisfies. The part of me that was raised to think justice is always a reality and was not aware of the brutal realities of injustice and re-victimization wants all the bad guys brought to task by the mainstream institutes of law and order. The other part of me who will never ever receive justice for rape and abuse inside of marriage fucking ADORES the justice decided on the victims terms. Have my rapist walk around with the title tattooed on his belly for anyone to see?


***Edited to add: After finishing this post I went and looked up some reviews and commentaries on Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and found many of the neglected to mention the violence against women theme of the book, some claim Larsson himself was fixated on violence against women and not in the sympathetic to the victims view I took, and many more have labeled Salander as vengeful, vindictive, vicious, violent and a few other choice negative labels. Female victim takes control and enacts her own justice = highly negative response. Fuck you and you’re safe world mentality and your discomfort at empowered, strong women. ***

Facing the Past

I feel like I should apologize for disappearing. I was on a thinking sabbatical. Not a sabbatical from thinking but a sabbatical TO think.

My last post was about my nostalgia for my old faith. That ended up dragging me down into my core with deep thoughts about my old faith, thoughts of spirituality and the whole rest of it. I get overwhelmed and feel like I need an answer NOW. Usually at that point, where my anxiety levels are too high for me to cope with, I remind myself that I have my whole life to figure this out.

That very morning I got an IM message from a woman I adore who is also now an apostate. She informed me a woman from our old church had died young, leaving behind a devastated husband and 2 small children aged 3 months and 2 years. I was stunned. They have no cause of death aside from the standard heart attack, which is technically what everyone dies of. She laid down for a nap and never woke up again. When my friend told me I dissolved into bits at the harsh reality of life and how quickly death can come. It was especially heart breaking because the woman who had died was so incredibly kind and gentle hearted. For all the negative christian examples out there, this woman was an incredibly positive example. She was simply a beautiful pure soul.

After finding out I immediately called another mutual friend who still attends the same church. She was in bits as well. She said through her tears that God must have a plan, that it just must have been her time and that we just had to trust God.

After I pulled myself together a few hours later I was laying down replaying the conversation in my head. I felt such disquiet. It was Gods plan and we just had to Trust him? Then I realized what was wrong with this comment and so many others I had been hearing right up until my loss of faith. So very many things said to explain God and His actions sound exactly like the victim of abuse defending their abuser. In society anyone who decreed and carried out the death of someone who was a young mother and wife would be a sadist and trusting him with that decision and carrying it out would make us certifiably insane. So why is this an acceptable justification for God? How about the many other ones that are uttered in justification or even thanks for God? About how we’re nothing without God, unable to function? About how even though He gives such incredibly hard trials (or absolutely mind numbingly bad circumstances) he must have a reason and we should trust, he is doing it for our good. Without him I am nothing, I have no worth and I can do nothing.

It all sounds like a day time drama about abuse victims who suddenly idolize their abuser.

After several days of shocked mourning I was informed last-minute of her funeral arrangements. I intensely dislike the idea of funerals. I have only been to one and avoided all others like the plague. Furthermore I did not want to go to this one because it was being held by my other church. However, even though I had lost touch with the woman who had passed away, she was such a testament to living life well and full of love and gentleness that I felt the urge to go simply to honor her. And to support my friend who originally told me because she was devastated at the news.

I hesitated for days to blog about this because it feels almost voyeuristic or inappropriate. I finally decided to because the funeral did have a big impact on me.

The thing that had a positive impact on me was hearing her sister eulogize her. That was incredible. She shared so much of her life so eloquently that I was mesmerised listening to her. I felt, not like so many do – that I wished I’d known her better, but so deeply happy that she had led such a full and happy life herself, surrounded by so many who loved her and being such an incredible influence to those around her. That woman was deeply and sincerely loved by so many and that was incredible to realize and watch them say goodbye.

The thing that had the most negative impact on me was listening to the pastor speak. It was more or less impersonal despite him having known her for 10 years. He read bible verses and spent so so much of his time speaking of her faith in such forceful terms it was as if it was the only thing that truly counted about her. I found that distasteful and yet if you ask believers they will say it WAS the single most important thing about her, because choosing to follow God is the single most important thing you can do with your life. I also found it extremely distasteful that he used the opportunity to evangelize unbelievers with the promise that if they too believed, they would see her again in heaven. Wow. Nothing like making the most of a vulnerable state of mind.

I also got the message loud and clear that if you were not a believer then you did not matter. You were nothing. Worthless. You would not know any of the peace and comfort the believers had while dealing with losing their loved one who was also a believer.


I do not begrudge them their solace. I never will. I just disagree with it completely. However, I find it draining to analyze their faith and their grieving process so I will move on.

For me personally, facing death that way when I usually go to significant lengths to avoid it, was liberating. I am not afraid of my own death… I am, however, not ok losing anyone around me. While occasionally I can logically reason that it is part of life and that I would want to turn my grief into a celebration of their life, other times I find the concept so frightening it paralyzes me. Do. Not. Like. Watching people mourn and let go and also letting myself mourn and saying good bye had a very liberating effect on me though and I am glad I went to honor her.

The most interesting thing for me, finally, was the realization that I have fully let my faith go. I do not hold onto even a shred of it. Nothing the pastor talked about or other believers talked about rang true to me or hit home. It was familiar but foreign. I have no issue, whatsoever, with the concept of simply ceasing to exist. I find the fact that my body will be consumed by the earth and re purposed for whatever nature deems necessary to be a deeply comforting reality. I have no qualms with mortality and not living forever in heaven. That my body will be reused to create more life is honor enough for me. The only way I now seek to live on is in memories of everyone I love and that when I leave, the ones I leave behind know how deeply and fiercely I loved them and they carry that with them til their own end. I want to be mourned and celebrated at my death for being exactly who I am and all I care to leave behind is a legacy of intense love.

Omg how cheezey eh? It’s true though 🙂

I drove home after that feeling intensely free. I saw what I could have been a part of and it held no sway for me anymore. I went home and laid in my hammock and watched the sunset feeling a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and was happier than I had been in a long time.

RIP D. Your memory will be well honored. ❤

Sing Alleluia

With Jennifer Knapp, a successful Christian folk singer, coming back into the spotlight after a 7 year hiatus and openly discussing the fact that she is a lesbian (I really, really wish her all the best and admire her incredible strength in taking a stand that she is a lesbian and still a Christian. So much love and respect for that) got me listening to her music. I found one called Sing Alleluia that she sings with Mac Powell of Third Day. I used to adore Third Day.

Listening to the song made me really nostalgic and incredibly sad that my faith died under scrutiny. I so believed in what I thought Jesus stood for and serving a God who was all about social justice gave me such purpose in life.

Now I just fight for social justice on my own. I just miss believing there was a God who gave a shit.

/nostalgic moment

Hitchens Discusses Action against the Pope on MSNBC

I cannot make it clear enough how much I support Dawkins and Hitchens on this. It is mind blowing that these men are not being brought to justice for their sickening child rape and abuses, including the sick fucks who helped cover it up. The claims that this brings about sympathy or empathy for the Pope or the priests involved in BULLSHIT. How many women in abusive marriages tip toe around their husband so as not to trigger their abuses? How many children keep quiet for fear of reprisals? There is no justification for backing off demanding justice in this situation. Faith or lack thereof has NOTHING to do with this situation. It’s about bringing sick child abusers and rapists to justice and nothing less. Pay attention and quite shifting the focus.

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